Jan 08 2010

Resolutionary Thoughts

Category: Power, Understanding — Jeff @ 8:46 pm

New Years Day has come and gone.  How about the Resolutions?

Resolutions, in theory, originated with the Romans around 150 BC.  When the Romans put together their calendar, they put the god “Janus” first.  Janus had two faces, one looking forward and one looking back – Janus could see what worked in the past, and what was coming in the future so was in a unique position to offer guidance.  They started as simple good deeds to make up for past indiscretions, but have obviously evolved since then.

Resolutions typically come in all shapes and sizes – but apparently the two most common are to stop drinking and to stop smoking.  It would seem that most have to do with improving the individuals lot in life.  And unsurprisingly, most fail miserably two months into the year.

I, for one, have a big problem with New Years Resolutions.

First, why New Years?  I do not believe that one has to wait to change the circumstances of their life.  If something isn’t working for a person, or they want to improve something, why wait until New Years?  Seems to me that making the decision to change can, and should, be done on a regular basis.

Resolutions are typically of the “work harder” type.  I will work harder to lose weight, work less, drink less, spend more time with my family, etc..  Even when they are measurable efforts – “lose 20 pounds by February 15” – they are still about working harder at something.  I’m reminded of Einstein’s idea of insanity.  So if working harder can’t or won’t produce results, what do we have left?

According to an article I read last year, we can “re-solve” the problem.  That is, if one is trying to solve the weight problem above by eating less (and that has never worked before) – possibly they should consider exercise as an alternative solution.

I think that’s helpful, but still misses the mark.  I prefer the idea of “resolving” the problem into constituent parts and then figuring out what the opportunity really is.  Much like a prism resolves light into the spectrum, one must resolve their problem to see what is really happening.  Maybe the person desperately trying to lose weight really has a self-esteem problem and therefore weight shouldn’t be the focus.  I suspect that most challenges one faces are actually inner challenges which can only be addressed by focusing on the inner. 

My every day wish, for you and for me, is to be able to see our challenges in a resolved light – one where we know what the problem is, and are able to focus our efforts on the issue.  Simplify.

Happy New Year.

Nov 06 2009

Offering Advice

Category: Judgment — Jeff @ 4:03 pm

When someone approaches you for advice, it is often a challenge to help without hindering or driving the situation.  The risk is in making a decision on behalf of the person that you are trying to help, either knowingly or unknowingly.  Here are a few tips to help put you in the right frame of mind:

Eliminate Expectations

You can’t independently council or advise someone if you have expectations of the outcome.  It gets even harder if you prefer one outcome over another.  When you come in with expectations, there is a subconscious tendency to influence the situation to your benefit.  Putting aside expectations is not an easy task; it requires you to tap into your inner wisdom rather than your ego.  

Listen

Seems obvious, and it is.  So why do we have so much trouble doing it?  I’m not talking about waiting until your friend is done talking and then responding; I’m talking about thinking about nothing else except what is being said while your friend is talking.  Listening means not anticipating the next word out of their mouth, forming your response before the statements are finished, or searching your history for a “time when that happened” to you.  

Don’t Offer Advice

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?  Instead, offer questions.  In most cases, it is impossible for you to know what’s best for someone else.  To one of my earlier posts, you shouldn’t can’t solve someone else’s problem.  Inner wisdom, or Judgment, in alignment with spirit will empower you to ask the right questions.  Well formed questions provide greater context in which to consider.  Remember though, you can’t ask the right questions until you’ve eliminated expectations.

Nov 04 2009

Personality vs. Individuality

Category: Renunciation, Understanding — Jeff @ 10:48 pm

Individuality and personality are often confused in todays culture, in my opinion.  Individuality is perceived as a product of one’s personality.  “What makes him such an upstanding individual, is his outstanding support for charity,” for example; charity is an aspect of his personality.  The missing link is whether or not he is being charitable out of a divine sense of “I AM” or if he is being charitable due to a motivator – like fame or respect.  Individuality, on the other hand, is driven by Spirit and an understanding that one is One.  Aspects of personality, in my opinion, still shine through for an Individual – but they shine through out of a sense of Order and Purpose aligned with Spirit.

I have spent the past few weeks in silent self-observation as a means to help me become aware of my various personalities, and used this awareness to try to ascertain which of them are expressions of my Individualness and which are not.

One revelation I had during this process, is that I went into the effort assuming that my personalities would coincide with my various roles – one personality for Parent, another for Husband, a third for Employee, and so on.  In actuality I found that my personalities appear across these roles, largely dependent on my perceptions of my actions or the actions of those around me.  I found, and continue to find, this disturbing because it implies that some of my “darker” personalities can and sometimes do surface in some of my most loving and caring roles.

I plan to post more about this in the future, as I’m still figuring out what to do with this information.  It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this though; there is plenty of evidence around that many suffer from “multiple personalities”.

Oct 29 2009

Whose problem – Part 2

Category: Judgment — Jeff @ 9:12 am

Right on the heels of my posting about problems, I’m smacked in the face with a reminder of why this has to stay in the forefront.

What is the right answer when one individual looks at something and sees it as absolutely fine, and another sees the same things but as somehow lacking?  By my definition, the one that sees the situation as lacking is the one who has the problem.  What responsibility does the one who sees things as fine have on thier plate?  I think it depends on the relationship.  Unfortunately though, it can be a bit complicated.

On one hand, we are all closely related – we are all ONE.  There are many, many people who do not subscribe to this belief.  For those that do, our responsibility is to help others to the extent that assisting them:

  1. doesn’t cloud our vision or cause us to forget that we are part of ONE.
  2. is done out of Love and in alignment Spirit.
  3. helps them get closer to remembering that they are part of ONE.

For those that don’t subscribe to that belief, our responsibility depends on how we label the relationship:

  • For a spouse or other loved one, likely our responsibility is to help them.  This could be out of Love, or it could be out of appeasement.  Or self preservation.  Or family harmony, of one sort or another.
  • For a friend, likely our responsibility is also to help but it will be offered on a less urgent basis than the previous.  I might put coworker in this bucket as well, but helping them might also depend on how it advances one’s own career.
  • Outside these groups, likely our responsibility is to do nothing.

I’m busy.  My wife is busy.  Even my daughter is busy.  Therefore, things around the house sometimes aren’t done to the level that one or more of us would like.  So the others, assuming we’re all closer to the ONE side of the split above, help out – whether we understand it or not.  We all just accept it.

Oct 26 2009

Whose problem is it?

Category: Judgment — Jeff @ 11:37 am

There are three types of problems that an individual can encounter.

  • Mine
  • Someone Else’s
  • No one’s

My Problems

These are problems that I have created, either directly or indirectly.  They are problems that have occurred due to my action or inaction, and therefore are completely in my purview to fix.  They are, however, also the most difficult to fix.  Why?  They often require me to change my perspective or my thinking, and that can be quite a challenge.  

Occasionally, I perceive my problems to be someone else’s.  When that happens, I’m forced to step back and consider.  If my next brilliant idea falls flat on it’s face for example, I’m just as likely to think the idea must have been flawed as I am to think no one understood it and therefore they are all idiots.  The reality is that it’s a combination of things that caused it to fail, but that list doesn’t include “they’re all idiots”.

Someone Else’s

Given the above discussion, the definition of someone else’s problem should be clear.  

The challenge with these problems is that I often make them into my problem.  If someone around me is having a bad day, I might make it my goal to fix it for example.  Helping others is nice of course, but making their problems into mine is not helping anyone.  In the end, I can’t fix their bad day – only the person having the bad day can fix it.

No One’s

These problems are the ones that occur day to day and that no one can do anything about.  Death, tornado, earthquake, and the like.  There is nothing to be gained by struggling against these things, yet many people worry about them on a regular basis.  True, we can do things to predict them, slow them or in other ways impact them, but in the end they will and do occur.  I believe that struggling against them is futile and a waste of effort.

Oct 22 2009

Of Two Minds…

Category: Order — Jeff @ 2:26 pm
One of my coworkers picked up a magnetic desk sculpture – one with acrobats and bars, and on it is written “Work life.  Personal life.  Help your employees balance both.”
 
I’ve never liked that work life/home life delineation.  It reminds me of the old Roses are Red rhyme:
 
Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I’m schizophrenic,
and so am I.
 
If we really have to balance, that implies that there are to conflicting sets of demands.  The “work” demands and the “home” demands.  If indeed they conflict, then the easiest way to balance them is to entirely segregate them.  Segregating in this manner only serves to decrease our effectiveness at, and passion for, all the things we do.  Think of a machine, created with unlimited capabilities but segmented into various pieces that do not share information.  Those pieces might be working on different things, but if the machine were capable of sharing information it might well figure out that the seemingly unrelated tasks are really one in the same!  Sharing that information leads to better results, and a byproduct of it is the reintegration of the segments.

There are lots of these schizophrenic situations including

  • Parent/Spouse,
  • Boss/Friend,
  • Teacher/Doer, and (of course)
  • Spouse/Movie Buff.
 
I’m sure you can come up with your own pairings.
 
In reality, you and I may be all those and more at the same time.
 
So, the question isn’t how do you balance these but rather “How do you incorporate these?”.  You incorporate them by trusting that there is order to things, and that everything will get done at exactly the right time.  There are times where one part of you will need more attention – that’s fine.  Tight deadlines at work or the upcoming release of “Astroboy”, for example.  Those times will be balanced – golfing with co-workers or celebrating an anniversary.  In the end, order will help to balance things out. 
 
Don’t try to exert too much influence; sometimes it’s easier to treat the whole than the sum of the parts.